Sunday, May 31, 2009

Choosing to be Who I Am...

I came across a poem the other day that grabbed me in an unexpected way. I found myself crying. The words seem to be words that would have one day in my past smoldered within my own heart.

I am who I choose to be, random and weird.
There are times when I want to fade into my dreams and feel as though I belong.
I see myself in a place where I can always be me, and not be criticized for my actions.
I want to be young forever and not have to worry about life coming to a conclusion
I wish life could be like a VCR, fast forwarding the pain, or rewinding and relishing the moments of happiness.
I am who I choose to be, random and weird.
Awesome Ramsey!

I don't know who "Awesome Ramsey" is, but this person put words to the feelings that I struggled with for so many years. A person who felt on the outside...longing to feel like I belonged in the story. A longing to fit in...a longing to be happy with who I was...who I am. A man who wished he could stay in the happy moments of his past forever and skip over the eons of pain and frustration at failures in his life.

I pretend that I have this amazing power and with it I might one day rule the world.
But power is for the weak minded, so I say.
I see and hear things that I believe no one can ever see or hear.
And yet I cry because I know no one will ever believe me.
When I see the rain fall from the sky, I can imagine and feel my sorrows slowly lifting...
But I am who I choose to be, random and weird.
Awesome Ramsey!

Like most of us, I once believed that within myself, I could fix everything... that I could make everything OK. There was no need to seek help elsewhere... to ask for help was revealing that I had some kind of flaw, some kind of weakness. And in my mind, any form of weakness was unacceptable. So I created a persona of strength that was convincing to all the world. I set myself on a pedestal so high, that to fall would surely mean death. But inside, I knew my own own own inability to "fix" it this time. So I silently wept untold gallons of tears, knowing that no one would be able to believe my weakness.

I understand life is full of mysterious wonders.
They could be things that you wouldn't even expect to be real.
So I try not to think of the negativity around and focus on the positive aspect of life.
And one could only hope that in the end of the tale, there really is a happy ending.
I am who I choose to be, random and weird

This "Amazing Ramsey" may not have understood when he wrote these words how his story ends...or how any of our stories end. But through his words, it helps me to recognize that all of life is a mystery and we don't need to try to understand it all. Some of it is simply to unreal. My past is my past...I can't undo it...I can't change. But, I can use it and allow it to be used.

Our pastor spoke an incredible sermon this morning about accepting how God has created each of us so uniquely...and how He desires to use that uniqueness to do His work. He closed with a short phrase that spoke deeply to me on a day I needed to hear Him speak directly to me.

"Learn to love you"

When I think about my life, the word "love" is not a word that quickly comes to mind...a life that has been responsible for so much pain and heartache. The words "despise" and "hate" seem to be so much more appropriate. But I have come to learn that God wastes nothing, not even the failures of a man's life...the failures of my life. For Ramsey, he may choose to be random and wierd. Sometimes, I believe I choose to be that same way. But for the always in my life, I am learning to simply choose to be me...the way that God created me, and learn to love who that man is.

Poem by "Amazing Ramsey"

Photo from Flickr

1 comment:

Deb Shucka said...

All I know is that the man who came home from California is as loving a human being as I know. And I believe the more you love yourself, the more love there will be shining from your heart into the world.

Amazing Ramsey sounds like an adolescent - which might be one reason his poem touched you so much.

Great writing as always.

Your sister loves you!