Monday, January 12, 2009

Finding the Rainbow.

I didn't recognize it and I have to admit, that bothers me some. My sister did..but I just thought that I was tired. It had been a long week and I hadn't been sleeping well. But after plenty of rest on Saturday and Sunday, I still felt the same way. That was when I started to do a little bit of self-reflection and realized what was wrong.

I'm fortunate in the fact that I don't often suffer from depression. When I think about my life, there are a lot of things to be depressed about, and in retrospect, there always have been. Maybe it's because I have always simply buried any feeling before they had a chance to become depressing...I'm not certain. I've found that the more I allow my feelings to emerge...or at least come close to the surface, the more often I fight the feelings of fatigue and loneliness.

It didn't take me too long to figure out the source of my depression over the weekend. I had talked to Paula on Friday night...another very good talk, and she shared that she had decided to invest in a "memory" for the grandkids as a Christmas gift. She is taking them all (and our kids) to Great Wolf Lodge for a weekend later this winter. I was (and still am) really excited for her and the kids. We had done a similar thing when AJ and KaLee were between 1 & 2 years old at a hotel in Seattle. It was so great to be with the grandbabies in the pool and simply watch them have fun...and have fun with them.

Things have obviously changed a lot since then. This time, I won't be along for the trip. That bothered me some...and I'm sure maybe initially triggered the depression. But what kept me there is the knowledge that even if I were invited, I couldn't go. I'm simply not allowed to have that kind of contact with kids and it breaks my heart. I dread the day that little AJ asks me to go fishing or golfing with him...or to go watch one of his football or baseball games and I have to tell him that grandpa can't go because of the trouble I got into five years ago. He knows I went to prison, so he will understand (I hope), but it will still be so hard if I ever get invited back into the kid's lives to have to say "no".

I think a lot about why I even dream of wanting to re-establish the relationships with my family. Am I simply being selfish? Wouldn't it just make their lives more difficult if I was back in their lives? Would they all just be happier if I wasn't around? I know these thoughts are bred in the depths of depression, but nonetheless, they are there sometimes.

Right now, my future is a big unknown. But I am fortunate because I trust in the One who knows my future. It may not end up being all that I dream about, but I know that it will be good because He says it will be. He has never lied to me yet, and I don't expect Him to start now. We all live in a time where there is great uncertainty about almost everything. Jobs. Finances. Peace/war. Relationships. But even with all the uncertainty, I know that He is always there with me...watching over me and guiding me if I keep my ears open to His voice.

Today was a better day. Just knowing why I was feeling the way I was made it better. I'm slowly learning that become transparent...not only with others, but with myself too, is helping me to become a better and healthier person. Like the rainbow that emerges through the mist as you look at the sun, I just need to remember to look into myself for the truth when I feel the storm brewing within me.

1 comment:

Deb Shucka said...

Wow! You knocked my socks off with this one. Even though it breaks my heart that you have to live with such a painful and ongoing loss, your courage and honesty and gifted expression of what's going on inspire me deeply. Great Wolf Lodge is too close to home. If I can do anything to help that weekend, let me know.

Transparency is how light shines through. I love the way you express the benefits here.

I love the title, the picture and everything about this. And everything about you.