Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Lost!

The snow is gone and the bright colors of early summer surround me each day as I walk near our condo. I see the occasional golfer, but I tend to keep my head down...not really wanting to be seen or recognized. Some days, the guilt just feels too heavy to bear and it seems I can barely place one foot in front of the next.

God's majestic creation greets me at each turn. The spring wildflowers on the hill. The deer and her fawn that jumped from the bushes as I walked past this morning. The greens on the golf course seem vibrant and so neatly manicured. So unlike my life! My world these days seems so uncertain...so fragmented.

Paula and I have decided to divorce and the pain is like my guilt...unbearable! I can't imagine my life without her. I can't imagine life at all right now! Everything is such a blur. Most mornings I don't recognize the image in the mirror as I stand in front of the sink. "Who is that man?" "Why is he so...what-unhappy? angry? lost?" Lost is probably the right word. All of my life it seems that I have had a plan. I've known where I was going...what came next. So much has changed.

I find myself getting angry...but at who? I can only blame myself, but I want to share this blame with someone. Surely someone could have done something! Surely Pastor John should have done a better job of checking up on me-holding me accountable. Even Geoff said he would be an accountability partner, but he never once called to make sure I wasn't going on-line and chatting again. Can I blame him? Or pastor? It just doesn't seem fair today that I'm in this on my own. But as I reflect, that's what my actions were saying I wanted...to be alone so I could spend as much time as I wanted on-line, talking to my "friends". My "friends". The stupid irony of all of this is that they don't exist. It's not like I had an affair with a real person. If that had been the case, I would have someone to go comiserate with. But my "friends"...my "affair" was with someone who never existed to begin with. The reality hits me like Mac truck! Everything wasted! My career! My marriage! My possessions! My reputation! All for something that never existed to begin with...like a mirage.

I feel so disjointed. I don't seem to fit anyplace. It feels like my anchor rope has been cut and I'm adrift. I know there are serious rapids ahead, but I don't know how long it will take to get there. Bad news! I've never gone over rapids before, but I think it might be dangerous. I just feel so lost!

1 comment:

Deb said...

Such poignant honesty and pain here. The mirage imagery is powerful. I think about how empty all the lies are that we pursue. Yours were just non-physically empty. I feel your shame and fear. I wonder what the addiction you had been feeding so steadily before is doing during this time.

I love you.